Legacy of Kain and the Holy Grail
by Sariel
Summary: Think about it Python fans (The gangs finaly together)
1. Coconuts

Yes I own these things. I bought them with my own money. They are mine! Mine, I tell you! Mine! If your talking about he Rights? No, I don't have the Right's to them. 

  


Nosgoth

I don't know when. Maybe it was last Thursday?

  


Over the rise of a hill, the sound of thunderous hoof beats were heard in the distance. As they came closer to the top until a figure could be seen.

It was a man with flowing white hair that was bound at his waist. He had a worn and weathered face with pointed ears and elongated canines. (No he didn't have a dog! It was his teeth!) He wore a pair of very tight low rise leather pants. His chest was uncovered save for a metal shoulder pad on his left shoulder and a drape on his right. The symbol on the drape was of Kain of Nosgoth, the Vampire Lord. The wavy sword he carried was on his back. He skipped or should I say galloped as one would ride a horse.

Behind him was another vampire. This one was gruesome looking. He was hunched over, weighed down by his lord's things. It looked liked some one had tried to do a brain transplant and a total body overhaul on the poor wretch and failed at it, badly. In his three fingered hands he banged two halves of a coconut together.

Kain lifted his three fingered clawed hand and commanded, "Halt!" He then danced around, pretending to stop his invisible horse. All the while the other vampire banged the coconut to mimic the sound. When all this stupidity was done they looked up to a keep not too far in the distance. Kain the waved his servant on. Then they both rode forth to the keep, banging coconuts all the way.

As they come to the wall of the keep a soldier calls down to them, "Halt! Who goes there?

Kain stops his horse. He looks up and calls back. "It is I, Kain, ruler of all Nosgoth. King over all the vampire hoards. Destroyer of the Sarafan and Hylden."

Silence followed for some time after. "Yea, right......." the soldier finally said.

"I am Kain!" he growled. "And this wretch is Magnus, my....." Kain waved his claw in the while thinking up the right words. ".....my flunkey. I have ridden the whole length of this land in search of souls eager to join my vampire hoards. I will speak with you lord and master. Now!"

"You rode here on a horse?"

"Yes!"

"You're using cocoanuts!"

Kain was angered at this. "What did you say!"

"You're flunkey got two empty halves of a coconut and he's banging them together," the soldier yelled down to Kain.

"I tell you that I have ridden through the winter to find souls. And you're complaining about coconuts. Fetch your master, now!" Kain's eyes flared red as he spoke.

Still not listing to Kain's request, the soldier called back, "Where did you get the coconuts?"

"We found them." This was not going Kain's way.

"Found them? The coconut's from the tropic. And you said you've been riding though the winter."

Kain's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Well, with the smoke covering the sky, we can't growing anything here. And it's also too cold, also from not having the sun any more," the soldier harshly yelled to Kain.

"Some crows fly south to find warmer climes then return. It's very common," Kain explained.

"Are you suggesting that coconuts _migrate_?"

Kain thought for a moment. "No. They could have been carried."

"A crow carrying a coconut?"

Kain continued on with the stupidly. "It could grip it by the husk......"

"That's stupid. Why would a crow carry a coconut. I mean they eat meat and all. And it just might be too heavy for it."

Kain had enough of this. "Why the hell do I care. Go and fetch your master and tell him that Kain is here." he yelled.

"Maybe the crow would want to eat it. I've seen them eat grain and other thing of the nature. But how would the crow carry such a heavy thing," pondered the soldier.

"Damn ingrate!" Kain muttered.

Just then a second soldier comes up and says, "I think one of Vorador's could carry it! They fly backwards, you know."

"Yes, I know one of Vorador's could do it. But I'm talking about a _regular_ one," said the first soldier to the second.

"Yes, you are right about that," replied the second.

Kain was now very anoied and losing his patience fast. "Will you go and tell you master I want his soul. Now!" 

The soldiers ignored Kain. "But why would one of Vorador's fly south? He uses them as spies."

Kain could not stand any more of this. These humans were unworthy to become part of his hoard. And would be too easy to kill, thus being no fun. He shook his head then turned to leave.

"But it two of them held it together." the second soldier said.

"No, no, no,. I think they would have to tow it along....." the first soldier voice faded into the distance Kain and Magnus as "rode" off into the mist.


	2. Coorhagen

"Bring out your dead!" called a dirt encrusted man as he walked before a cart laden with bodies. "Bring out your dead!" As he called he banged on a cow bell. "Bring out your dead!" He was flowed by two wretches pulling the cart.

They walked through the worst squaller anyone has seen (unless you have seen The Young Ones) Mud was caked everywhere on everyone. Filth as far as the eye could see. The smells so offending to one's nose. Ah! The beauty of Nosgoth!

"Bring out your dead!"

A large man runs over to the cart carrying a body of an old man. "I got one!" he yells.

"That will be ninepence," the cart driver tells him.

The body speaks, "I'm not dead!"

"What?" comes from the cart driver.

"It was nothing....Here's the ninepence," says the large man while handing over the money.

The body speaks again, "I'm not dead!"

The cart driver speaks, "He says he's not dead." 

"Yes he is," the large man replies.

"I'm not!" speaks the body.

"He isn't,' says the cart driver.

The large man irritated by this speaks, "He will be soon. He's very ill."

The body speaks once again, "I'm getting better!" He tries to move and doesn't get anywhere.

"No, you're not!" the large says harshly to the body. "You'll be stone cold dead any moment."

The cart driver sighed and said, "You know I can't take him like that. It's against the regulations."

The body speak yet again, "I don't want to go on the cart."

"Don't be such a baby," the large man said to the body.

"I feel fine," the body replies. (I'm wondering how this body talks?)

At his time Kain and Magnus "ride" up and over hear this conversations.

"Well, can you hang around for a little while?" said the large man to the cart driver.

"No," the cart driver replied. "I've got to go to the Sarafan's keep. It seems that some one killed off four of the Circle."

"So when's your next round?"

"Next Tuesday," said the cart driver.

The speaks yet once again, "I think I'll go for a walk."

The large man shook his head and spoke," You know you're not fooling anyone. Is there anyone that can help me out?"

Kain stepped up to this. "I can," he said darkly. He walked over to the large man carrying the body, does a telegenic suck, and drains the old man of his life's blood.

"Thanks!' the large man exclaimed. "By the way are you a king?"

Kain looked at him oddly. "Why do you aks?"

"Because you don't have shit all over you," the cart driver explained.

_The humans that live in Nosgoth are so stupid_, Kain thought to himself. "I'm a king. I am Kain!

The two men looked at him then ran off screaming.

Kain put his face in his hand shaking his head. "Magnus, you can eat your fill," he said into his hand. _I rule over a land of fools._

Magnus dove into the cart. Ripping flesh form bone, spraying blood everywhere.

_Some wonderful homecoming, _ Kain thought. _I just love Coorhagen._


	3. Anarcho Sydicalist Commune

As Kain and Magnus "rode' through the country side, they came upon peasants toiling the on the grounds of a castle. As they went up to they came beside a person pulling a cart. 

"Old Woman!" Kain called.

"Man!" came the reply in a deep voice.

"Sorry," Kain grunted , feeling embarrassed. "What it the name of the knight that lives in yon castle?"

"And I'm thirty-seven.... I'm not old," the man said.

Feeling stupid for the first time in this fic, (and hopefully not he last) Kain tried to mack amends. "Well, I can't keep calling you 'Man' or 'Peasant'."

"Well, you could say 'Dennis'," replied Dennis.

Kain furrowed his brow"I didn't know your name," he said.

Dennis trudged along, pulling his cart. "You didn't bother to aks, did you," he sniped at Kain.

_This peasant was going to get it, if he didn't keep his mouth shut,_ thought Kain. "I did apologize about calling you an old woman. But with what you are wearing, from behind you looked...."

Dennis finally stopped. "That's fine," Dennis said. "But what I object to is that you automatically treat me as an inferior."

Kain twitched. "But you are. You are not only a peasant, but a human one as well," Kain told Dennis. "I am king."

Dennis looked at him. "A king, eh. Now that nice. And how did you get that, eh?" Dennis questioned Kain. "By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress...."

Just then an old woman appeared. "Oh! There is some lovely filth down here," she called to Dennis. Then she noticed Kain. "Oh, how do you do," she said to Kain.

"I am Kain, King of all Nosgoth," Kain told her. And whose castle is that?"

Dennis clamored down to help her with the filth.

She looked confused. "King of what?"

"Nosgoth!" Kain growled.

"Nosgoth? I thought we lived in Britannia?"

Kain was starting to believe that Magnus, even with all that was done to him, was smarter then this human rabble. "No! You live in Nosgoth. And I am your King!"

"I didn't know we had a king," she mused "I thought we were an autonomous collective....."

"You're fooling yourself," Dennis told her. We're living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes...."

Had about enough of this, and was ready to kill. But in time like this his therapist had told Kain to count to ten. It seemed like the best time to start. _One._

The old woman cut Dennis off. "There you go bringing class into it again!"

"That's what it's all about," Dennis told her. "If only the people would...."

_Two_. "Peasants! Who lives in yon castle?" Kain was very angry and the counting was not helping.

"No one live there," the old woman told Kain.

"Then tell me, who is your lord?"

"We don't have a lord."

_Three._ "What?"

"I told you," Dennis spoke. _Four. _"We're an anarcho-sydicalist commune, we take turns to act a sort of executive officer for the week. But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...." _Five_ ."....but a two-thirds majority in the case of a more major...."

_Six._ Kain had enough of Dennis's dribble. "Silence! I order silence."

"An order, eh." the old woman looked at Dennis. "Who does he think he is?"

_Seven._ The counting still was not working. "I am Kain! King of all Nosgoth!"

"Well, I didn't vote for you."

_Eight. "_You don't vote for kings."

She looked at kain with her hands on her hips. "Well, how did you become king, then?"

_Nine._ "I took the land for the ignorant masses," Kain told her.

"Oh that nice! Stealing the land!" Dennis said. "Who gave you that right? If I went over to my neighbor....'

_Ten! _No the counting did not work. Kain took the Soul Reaver from his back and ran towards Dennis. With one swing of the mighty sword Kain killed the peasant and drained him of his blood. "Va Victious! he yelled. He then turned to the old woman, who stood tin total shock. Kain smiled as he impaled her on the sword.

_Two less peasants to worry about_, Kain thought as he watched Magnus devour the corpses.


	4. Black Knight

Still continuing their travails, Kain and Magnus some how found themselfs in a darkened and very thick forest. (Yes, wood is not that intelligent. It is slightly less intelligent than a migrating coconut. Which is only slightly less intelligent than a herring.) But still none the less they were within a forest, "riding" along until they came upon a two knights fighting before a bridge.

The two men one in black and the other in green. The black knight bore the symbol of the vampire Melchiah. The other was losing.

As Kain and Magnus watch the ensuing battle, Kain was greatly impressed by the Black Knight. As the battle raged on it seemed that the Green Knight could possible win. That is until Black Knight's long sword found a new home in the Green Knight's eye socket. As he retrieve his sword he also sucked up the blood of his victim. Kain was most impressed.

Kain turned to Magnus nodded then "rode" forward, stopping before Melchiah. All Black Knightdid was stand there, leaning on his sword.

"You are a vampire after my own heart," Kain told him. "Strong, intelligent, and you decimate all that oppose you."

There was no reply.

"I am Kain, King of all Nosgoth."

Still no reply.

Kain was once again quite annoyed. "I am seeking out the finest vampires and souls to become vampires in the land to join my vampire hoards."

And still the Black Knight remained silent.

Kain right eye brow twitched. "You have proven yourself worthy to me. Would you care to become one of my lieutenants?"

No answer, only a slight shrug.

"That is an unwise choice," Kain said darkly. If this vampire would not join him, he just might become a threat. Kain would have to watch this one closely. "You would do better to join me. You could live longer. But so be it." Kain turned to his flunky. "Magnus, we move on." As Kain and Magnus make a move to the bridge as the Black Knight bars their way.

"None shall pass."

Kain was shocked to hear the Black Knight speak. "What!"

"None shall pass."

"I have no quarrel with you, but I must cross this bridge."

"Then you shall die."

_Why am I surrounded by fools,_ Kain thought. But as his therapist said, Kain would try not to resort to violence this time around. Kain took a deep breath, then spoke, "I command you, as King of Nosgoth, to stand aside!"

"I move for no man."

_Screw therapy!_ Kain was ready to kill.

He drew the Soul Reaver and approached Melchiah, who was also preparing for battle. As the Black Knight swung wildly Kain easily dodged him. All Kain need do was wait for the right moment. And one did appeared. The Black Knight let his guard down in a tremendous downward swing. Kain took that moment to sever the Black Knight's left arm at the shoulder. He stepped back in shock, for the Soul Reaver did not consume all the blood within the Black Knight . Maybe it was because Kain was already full.

But Kain had none the less won. "Now stand aside, weakling," Kain told the Black Knight.

The Black Knight looked at his shoulder for only a moment, then spoke, " 'Tis but a scratch."

"A scratch?" Kain growled. "I took your arm off."

"No you didn't."

Kain pointed to the dismembered arm on the ground and said, "What is that then?"

"I've had worse," the Black Knight responded after glancing at his arm.

Kain was shocked. Could this vampire be more powerful then him? Kain would soon find out.

Just thenthe Black Knight charged him, crying, "Come on you pansy!"

Once again Kain took up the Soul Reaver. And in a few shot moments the Black Knight's right arm was off too.

Kain then turned to clean his blade on the Green Knight's clothing. As he bent over (Money shot for all the Fan Girls) he was kicked in the rear by the Black Knight.

"Come on then."

Kain's eyes glowed a bright red. He grew tired of this Black Knight.

"Have at you," te Black Knight said why still kicking Kain.

Kain stood up and brushed himself off. "I have won. Why do you sill intend to fight?"

"Oh, you had enough, eh?" the Black Knight taunted.

"So be it. You shall have the death you ask for," said Kain. "I will not go easy on you, even thou you have no arms."

"Yes I have."

"Look!" Kain yelled, "You have no arms."

"Just a flesh wound," the Black Knight said. With that he began to kick Kain once again. "Chicken...... Chicken!"

Kain's eyes narrowed. With one swipe of the Soul Reaver the Black Knight's right leg was taken off.

"I'll do you in for that."

Kain rubbed his temple.

"Come here," the Black Knight yelled as he bumped into Kain.

"What are you going to do bleed on me?" Kain asked.

The replay that came back was, "I'm invincible!"

"Your out of your coconut."

Still bumping into Kain the Black Knight cried, "I Melchiah have always triumphed! Have at you."

Kain couldn't stand any more of this and cut off Melchiah's remaining leg.

Melchiah looks around at where he "stands." "All right, we'll call it a draw"

"Come, Magnus," Kain said while placing the Soul Reaver on his back. 

As they begin to cross the bridge, Melchiah called to them, "Oh, I see, running away, now? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"

  


______________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks to every one for reading this little story of mine. Spacial thanks to Lunatic Pandora. With out you pointing out my Coorhagen mistake I would have never found my two other typos. To tell you people the truth, I don't find any of what I am writhing funny at all, save for Magnus with cocoanuts. 


	5. Dunking Umah

Somewhere near The Pillars of Nosgoth, the Council of Nine, having found four new members in less than three chapters were celebrating. Instead of throwing a toga party there were throwing a Gregorian Chanting Monks party. Brown wool robes were handed out and so were wooden boards. And now the fun was beginning.

"Pies lesu domine, donna eis requiem," the council chanted, then cracked themselves in the heads with the boards. "Pies lesu domine," again they hit themselves. "Donna eis requiem." Wack! 

That was were the fun people were. And Kain and Magnus were missing it all. No they had stumbled on a village near Meridian. Is was also a fun day there. A witch hunting day.

"We go a witch!" A villager called.

"We found a witch!" Cried another.

The mob drug the witch, who in real life was not a witch she was only hiding her true self, to the center of the village. A man stood there. 

His skin was blue in color, with short black hair. On his back were black, feathered angels wings. He wore gray pants and a matching long coat that had the arms cut out. He too, like Kain and Magnus, had only three fingers and fangs. He was the wises and most ancient of all that lived there.

Today he was seeing if a dove that had a coconut tied to it could actual fly. The bird only hovered in the air for a few moments before dropping to the ground. He turns to see the mob with the witch.

"We have found a witch. May we burn her?" the first villager asked the ancient. Where upon the rest of the village yelled, "A witch! Burn her!"

"How do you know she is a witch?" the ancient question in a Western European accent. 

"She looks like one," they all cried.

"Bring her forward."

As she was pushed forward she yelled, "I am not a witch. I am not a witch." But alas, her silken voice fell upon deaf ears. She had black hair, pale skin, clawed hands, and fangs. There were also two tattoos down the sides of her face.

"But you are dressed as one." the ancient told her.

"You know why," she whispered to him.

"And how many times have I told you to stop," he replied to her. Then he spoke to the villagers, "You all know she dresses like this always. Why do you wish to burn her?"

"She is a witch." the first villager said followed by a choirs of, "A witch, a witch, burn her!"

Rubbing his temple with one of his clawed hands. The blue skinned vampire asked them, "What makes you think she is a with?"

"She turned me into a newt," a second villager said.

"A newt?"

The was a slight hesitation from the villager before he said, "Well, I got better."

"Burn her anyway!" cried the villagers.

As this faithful moment Kain and Magnus happen to "ride" up. Kain seeing that the blue one was a vampire, decided to stay and watch what he did. Kain also thought that the witch looked very familiar. This intrigued him even more.

"Quiet! Quiet!," the blue vampire shouted. "There are way of telling whether she is a witch, or not."

"Are there?" said one villager.

"What are they?" asked another.

"Tell us, tell us," they cried. "Do they hurt?"

"Tell me...." he paused, "What do you do with witches?"

There came a unanimous cry of, "Burn them. Burn them."

"And what do you burn, apart from witches?"

"More witches!" came the shout of the first villager.

Then came the most intelligent statement so far in this chapter. "Wood," said a fourth villager.

The blue one then posed a new question, "So why do witches burn?"

A minute passed and not a sound could be heard. One could almost hear the sound of a coconut laden crow flying. Or maybe some one cutting down a tree with a herring. 

A small and mumbled sound came from one the peasant that was turned into a newt, "Because they're made of wood?"

"Very good," the winged one praised them. "So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?"

The first villager yelled, "Build a bridge out of her."

"True, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"

"Oh..... Yea," came the muted reply.

Knowing that the question got him no where, the blue one asked another, "Does wood sink in water?"

"No. It floats," came the answer from the fourth villager.

The first villager cried out, "Throw her into the pond."

"Like hell!" the witch yelled at the blue one.

"Don't worry," he said to here. Then to the villagers, "What also floats in water?"

Here and there answers came out. "Bread? Apples.... Very small rocks.... Cider.... Gray gravy.... Cherries.... Mud.... Churches! Lead.... Rahab?"

Kain had enough and yelled, "A duck."

Every one turns to see the new comers. The winged one was most impressed with Kain answer.

"Exactly," he said. "So... logically..."

"... If she... weights the same as a duck.... she's made of wood," the first villager pondered.

"And therefore?" the ancient prodded. 

"A witch!" they all cried. "A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck."

"Now to the scales," the blue ancient said.

The villagers drag the witch off to the scales. Followed by the blue winged ancient and a villager with a duck. Kain and Magnus also followed. The witch looked very familiar to kain.

The villagers shove the witch onto one of the scales sides and the duck onto another. The villagers all look with eagerly as the supports are knocked out. The witch and the duck are equaly balanced.

"A witch!" the villagers cry, as they drag her away to be burned.

As she is being taken away, she sees Kain and knows who he is. "Kain!" she yelled. "Kain, it is me, Umah."

Kain looked at Magnus. "Did you hear something?"

Magnus shook his head no."

"Kain! You bastard! Help Me!" Umah screamed as she was taken away to be set alight. "Kain!"

After the mob left, Kain walked up to the winged vampire.

"Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?" the blue ancient asked Kain .

"I am Kain, king of Nosgoth," replied Kain. "Will you come with me to the Pillars and become part of my vampire hoard?"

"That would be a great honor to me," the ancient said while giving a bow.

Kain like this one. He was more inelegant than Magnus and gave him that respect that a king needed. He was a keeper. "Than what is your name?" Kain asked him.

The blue one looked up and said," I am called Janos Audron."

"Then I dub you...."Kain said while knighting Janos. "Sir Janos.... Inelegance advisor for my vampire hoard!"

  


And so it was, that Janos Audron was the first to join Kain's vampire hoard. But as always, others soon wanted to be part of the "in crowd" and joined up as well....

Sir Raziel the Vengeful. Another blue vampire. A soul sucking one that ran around naked. Save only for a piece of cloth that covered his missing jaw.

Sir Vorador the Lustful. A green dog eared vampire. He was a bigamist. 

And Sir Zephon the just a vengeful but not willing to go through with it as Sir Raziel. Who was out of town when the Sarafan came rolling through. Who had a bath room break when the vampire hunters attacked. And was found hiding in a corner, praying for dear life not to be part of this story.

And the aptly named Sir Not appearing in this story. His real name was Truel.

Together they formed a band whose names were soon forgotten after they left the area. Because who would ever listen, let alone buy, anything from a vampire boy band. Even thought Janos and Vorador had the good looks. And there was a odd, sick lusting after Raziel, who had no parts and that confused the masses. Even Kain with his power and the all mighty Soul Reaver, got women. But still there was no profit.

So they eventual gave up and moved on. But the odd thing was that Sir Zephon now had a band of his own that followed him every where. New armor and new weapons. Maybe Kain should not have put him in charge of their money.

But anyway off to The Pillars....


End file.
